Slow down, please..#TIMMNL

How can a person’s body lie there without a heartbeat?
     A moment ago, he was stressing out
             Nervous, yet surely, excited for the day that was to come.

How can his lungs still be intact yet without breath?
     He was so full of life
            Yet this morning, he breathe his last.

I would often wish for things to go fast,
     When I’m running late
          When I’m waiting
                When I have another errand

Yet today, I wish things would be different..

I wish our time together,
      With all our laughs, sobs and sighs would slow down.

So that I could re-live every moment with you, fully.

I wish the words and questions coming out
      of my heart, my mouth, my eyes..
           would all just slow down.

So I could pay more attention to your words.

Oh, how each one brought much wisdom,
      entertainment and friendship to my life.

I wish that today HE, SHE, IT, THEY, THAT.. WHATEVER would slow down.
      So that your precious life
             So easily snatched away..

Would, to us, remain…just a little bit longer.

I hope you were able to live the life you’ve always dreamed of..
      Seen all the things you wished to see..
             Spoke all the words you had to say..

You will be remembered.

Today, as God wills you home,

      We remember that you do not cease to exist, my friend. 

This poem testifies that you continue to live on.

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Blogging after a looooong time

So I have decided to write a blog because I felt like it would calm my heart down.

My school year with Jubilee has just ended and my summer vacay just (technically) started this week. Being the OC person I was, I did a little goal setting like write down a bunch of chores I’ve been putting off i.e. cleaning my bike, rearranging my drawers, etc.

After doing all that, I had this sense of being at a loss. Like I dunno where to go next. I feel like if I take another step (on a whim) I might end up doing some uncorrectable wrong. I don’t know if it’s the age or if it’s just seeing how everyone else is doing but yeah, I’m kinda stuck here.

I have decided, however, to pursue a deeper connection with my Savior. He seems quiet at the moment but blahhh, I’ll still pursue Him anyway.

I don’t really have a lot of readers but somehow I wanted to share this aspect of my life with you. I think it’s worth it to keep a few people who are willing to listen to you nearby. I’m a yuppie who’s decided to live for her Master, teaching kids and sharing the Gospel, discipling the world yet confused at which step to take at the moment.

If there’s any loot here that I want you to get though it’s that being at a loss doesn’t completely mean hopelessness. It means taking a step back to look at life in general. It means realizing that your life doesn’t necessarily have to look and feel like another’s. It means being opened to a view of life outside of your own.

Confessions of a not-so-teenage drama woman..

What if…

blog

Excuse the acne. Hihi.

A crossroad to a probable happy ending or a tragic one. Nonetheless, it is sure to lead one to a dead end.

I saw “Love, Rosie” today and somehow it’s left me pondering on my own share of “what ifs.” I guess that’s a lame excuse for putting off my writing, but hey! We all have to start somewhere.

I used to think that at age 22, you’re supposed to know exactly what you want in life—a stable, high paying job, a booming career, a hot bod, a life of travel and adventures, new people—all that good stuff you can name but lemme break it to you, I am 22 and well I don’t have it figured out. Very small dilemma you say but for me this struggle is real. Yes, I have a life plan (adopting the term from the “Little Prince” movie) but things aren’t exactly going according to the plan. :/

THE QUESTION

Am I really supposed to be doing this? Am I really cut out for this?

After many years of dreaming, striving hard, loads of praying and again planning, I now am 2 years into my dream job in one of my dream schools. (Hooray! Fireworks.) Teaching is indeed one of the most beautiful jobs a person can ever be gifted with. I mean, who can ever get tired of inspiring young minds that are hungry to learn and discover things EVERY DAY, right? Eeeeeengk. That part should be easy to say. What everyone doesn’t know is the gravity of the behind-the-scenes. It is so difficult (The perfect word to describe it I guess?) and I can’t always say that I’m just easily maneuvering on the way to go. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. After two years, I am still mastering the culture, the system, the process, the routines. So much of this and more so, there is no experimenting on a kid’s future too (Oh no!)

But then would there be any other job wherein I would be the missing puzzle piece to complete the picture? The type of job that would just be bliss. (Yeah right) What if..

THE NEW LOVE

I have fallen in love with..

just YOU and ME

So yeah, other than that there’s also this new found love of everything adventurous and artsy. I thank God for this season of self-discovery and of maybe a few regrets. Again, the what ifs. It is half frustrating that I’m only learning about my deeper love for the arts NOW. Loads of wasted time right? But again, still thankful that I’m discovering a lot of new things. All this I learned because I was tasked to make a bulletin board. (Who knew, right?)  And that’s not all, a stir is also happening in the musical realm of my life too. Writing as well. Ahhh. But of all these, allow me to mention my more heated passion and love for kids.

The road to self-discovery is a tricky one. How I wish it were that easy to shift passions, right? Sometimes, I can’t help but think that if I pursued this passion would my life’s current status change? What if..

THE CURRENT ME

Now what?

This is the first time I’ve ever shared in my blog something that is actually happening in my life now. I mean, I have always put off my writing because I felt that it was too personal. But just now, a childhood friend who’s also a teacher just told me that she had the same struggles. Then I realized, I am not alone. My story, my struggle, someone else is also experiencing them. That might not mean much to you but to me, it gives me courage to hold on to God and take that leap and write. I am not the only one who’s struggling with being an adult. I am not the only one who had missed opportunities. I wasn’t a failed Christian.

So today, let me share to you what the current me has learned:

  1. Life isn’t as candy colored as it may seem. Every person dreams of an easy-going life but there is nothing like that. It just never happens.
  2. It is never too late to learn things about yourself. All my life, I have been shaped by education to function as a responsible person preparing for a future role in society. I have been shaped by a varied group of people (i.e. parents, relatives, friends, etc.) to become an ideal Mikaela Zoe S. Nery. That’s all great but take it easy on yourself when you start learning things you like (or don’t like) about yourself. What matters is what you do with what you learned.
  3. Failures hurt bad but they really teach you something. I learned this the hard way. You get all that wisdom from your parents, leaders, even friends but sometimes you’ve just got to try it. Then you get in trouble. If you’re like me, just know there are consequences and they sure do teach a lot. Keep in mind: CONSEQUENCES, you can’t choose ‘em. Which leads me to..
  4. Turn your theory into practice. You can’t just keep learning mate. As a teacher, the mark of genuine learning is when one can apply what one has learned. Apply what you learn and do not procrastinate (like me and physical fitness), do it NOW!
  5. Lastly, never face a “what if” without GOD, the counsel of his Spirit, his Word and his people. Believe me, you would wish you had it all figured out but you just don’t. You either know your destination, but your lost at where to start OR you’ve already begun without minding the ending. Eitherway, the only thing you must do is to never stop looking at and into the ultimate roadmap to life, THE BIBLE.
  6. Lastly-er, Be DISCIPLED. Have ACCOUNTABLE PEOPLE (especially leaders). PRAY. That is the best and only way to go. My life has been saved by people who constantly check up on me and I am very grateful to God for that. In VCF, we call it Victory Groups. Woohoo! Lemme know if you’re interested to be part of one.

There is so much more to tell and I might sound like an expert here but believe me, I am as lost as you are. But God is gracious, kind, merciful and faithful in all these circumstances and surely, I will be taking each step of the learning process with you and of course, with God.

Let’s keep this blog alive.

Here’s to 2015. A beautiful year of learning, struggling, being shattered and living through all that by God’s grace. Excited to welcome and declare a prosperous, fun-filled, exciting, nerve wracking, all-about-sharing, literature loving, and God-centered 2016. Long live Jesus in our hearts.

.from ME to YOU: there’s life beyond me and that’s YOU

I’ve no hint of inspiration.

I’ve run out of ammo and there’s no way to replenish.

I scout the field around me and all I wanna do is run away.

And so I did.

Going to places with YOU seemed fun.

But….

I thought it unfair that YOU get to see everything all at the same time and my eyes could only see, what?! Just the significant 360° around me. I thought maybe I should also try things on my own so that I could prove to myself that “Yeah, YOU were right I should never have taken this path nor strayed from the one YOU made for me.” 

But then, I just have to know….

And so I took that path.. that path.. AWAY from YOU.

And it was fun. All my life, I never knew there was so much to see. What I found great was that there was no more YOU to block me. Haha. YOU told me before not to do this, or that, but man! I never thought I was missing out on so much. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always known I was gonna end up with YOU and I do, I do trust and love YOU and I know I mattered that much to YOU too.

Our relationship sometimes feels suffocating and all I want is a gasp of air to save me from this drowning feeling.

Oh how our dates always seemed romantic. YOU would always whisper sweet somethings to my ear. Aaaaah. What life.

But it’s gone, lost its flavor…

YOU were too far for me to reach, too perfect and I.. I was a mess.

I couldn’t face YOU straight in the face even though I loved YOU so much.

It’s not YOU, it’s me.

And I couldn’t let me be the downfall of YOU.

And so, without anyone knowing what was happening between us..

I saw the world. I loved it. And YOU not being in it. YOU being not overly controlling gave me the freedom to be who I really am.

I danced like wildfire. I ran like a whirlwind. I faced people with masks. I.. I lived and sang for the world to hear.

I WAS LIVING MY LIFE.

But when I took a look at me, I was damaged and broken.

I always had scars, the ones that brought no pain.

I didn’t know the wind could do that.

I had no more voice, no wonder to speak about.

I guess singing could do that too.

My face was awful, I don’t even remember how it looked like.

Ahh. Maybe this part had always been like that.

and YOU knew it had always been like that.

My Mum told me YOU’ve been coming to our home.

My sisters told me YOU’ve been calling non-stop.

My friends told me YOU’ve been talking to them.

don’t YOU get it?! We’re through. I don’t want YOU or anything about YOU messing with my life.

just YOU and ME

How dare YOU make me realize that YOU’re the only one I need?
How dare YOU look at me lovingly and say YOU still love me?
How dare YOU, after all the effort I’ve done to get away from YOU, still chase after me and tell me YOU are still ever so fond of me?

YOU could just be there along with all the big-wigs in YOUr life and still be happy. I’ve no money to give. I’ve no career to show. No accomplishment to ever match YOUr glory up there.

And yet..

YOU’re there.

in front of me, begging me to go back to YOU.

Let’s take little steps. We could start all over again and still fall in love with each other every day. I want you. All of you. With me. Please, let’s build our future together. I’ve always understood who you are, what you could become, both good and bad, and I’ve always loved them. The place I’m at is so different without you. Come home with me.

Suddenly, everything felt so surreal. All that fun I’ve been having fell pale in comparison to the few 66 words he told me.

What I’ve searched for in the world was with me all along.

And then it struck me..

HE WAS THE ONLY ONE NECESSARY TO ME.

“I have the right to do anything,” you say–but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”–but not everything is constructive.
—1 Corinthians 10:23

.when You asked me to wait

Why do I wait, oh why do I wend
When all I have is time, too little to spend?

Why should I trust, and for that to last
Why, when I know my destiny is cast?
Wait here

Why count the days and the minutes and the moments
Why hold on dearly to promise of  your comments?

No sign, no marvel, no nothing at all

But all you said is faith, and “of that, give me your all”

Sometimes I think it peculiar

Why not just end it now?
You have the power.

But you looked at me tenderly, held my hand and said softly,

Because my love, I have learned to wait
until that day, yes that day, when you find your way.
That path , the only path, that leads you back home.
Find me there, I hope I am enough
please persevere even though it is tough.

And then I said,

Honestly God, sometimes I really don’t understand.
How can your love have no end?
Many times I’ve chosen to live away from your light
but you won’t let go, you hold me too tight.

It’s a kind of tight so gentle, it actually brings delight.

“My child, my love is comfort
beyond what the world says it’s worth.
A love I’m not afraid to shower,
to this lovely, blooming flower.
I will continue to wait, but not for long
because I know you will choose not what is wrong.”

.good worship: more than the CONTEMPORARY brand

Worship. There is no better way to respond to what God has done but worship and to do just that at all times.

Just these past three days, I’ve spent the some of most amazing worship moments of my life–simply hearing God and crying out for more of Him along with other young people. Everyone was in their “rock star mode”, headbanging and jumping, screaming and crying just like how one would picture a sold-out concert of a famous rock band. IT WAS JUST SO AWESOME because I know it was an act coming simply from the heart.

Today, here I am reading some blogs about whether the way we worship  God in a “contemporary manner” is good or not and well, I’m writing this in response to that.

Hymnals

Praise and worship has changed a lot. How it sounds, how it looks like, how it’s done, etc. I’m from a generation who loves contemporary Christian music. I love how we can just jump and scream out loud the name of JESUS. I love how while the room is dim, I can come before God along with others like it’s just Him and me. I love it how when I don’t have the words for my feelings, these new songs are able to just put words into my lips like they were my own. I love all of it because it really does give a youthful feeling. I respect how people who are “more wise” than me feel about this.

Contemporary Christian Music

But I think more than criticizing whether the contemporary Christian method is good or bad, (not that I feel anything against it) I think that good worship is really when there’s no music at all. Good worship is when you are able to come before God with the same intimate feeling, same heart of worship, same thirsty heart for His presence without having to sing along to some tune or beat. I think good worship is honest worship, a time that doesn’t change at any moment in any day. More importantly, I think good worship is when GOD is the only thing that matters, not music, not actions, nothing but Jesus.

So is how worship done today good or bad? I can only answer this on the basis of who really is at the center of it all. Whether we sing hymnals or rock songs with only “Jesus” as the lyrics, the best part in praise and worship would still really be meeting the One whose presence we are crying out for.

Technicalities are awesome but if worship is gonna be all about this, I’d rather do something else while praying and talking to God. In 1 Samuel 16:7, here the Lord himself tells Samuel his character:The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

It’s the heart that matters. It’s YOUR heart that matters to GOD.